No longer acting out of hurt

Today was the set up and the rehearsal for the wedding. Wow. A lot happened today that I did not expect to happen and some I did. First I got lost trying to find the venue. (Okay I totally expected that to happen). When I got there most of the groomsmen and the groom were there setting up. I was nervous being with the groomsmen at first because I had a history with some of them. One I had only met once and seemed nice, another I dated for three years and he was now with another woman who was pregnant with his child, another used to harass me in high school and the best man & I used to fight with each other so often we used to have to be separated because we had been known to curse at and light the other on fire on several occasions. And those were just my problems with them, they of course had similar issues with each other. But we had all promised the groom we would be good. I was amazed with the level of maturity seven years and a mutual love for the groom brought.

There were greetings of friendship and laughter like we were all good friends. There was no mistrust. The best man didn’t flinch when I had a lighter next to him. Just as one groomsman was totally comfortable standing next to the other who had stabbed him while he used a box cutter. After an hour or two there were no hard feelings, everything negative thing we had ever said or done to each other in the past was forgotten by the person who was hurt. By the same time we had finished working today. We all noticed everyone who had been hurt at one point or another be pulled to the side by the person who hurt them.

At one point, the bride was having a bride moment where we weren’t doing things right. Those things happen but we were tired and needed a break. The guy who harassed me and made my life miserable in high school pulled me outside. We went behind a shed on the venue. I had no idea what he could possibly want from me considering today was the first time we had actually said anything civilized to each other in the who time we knew each other. He actually apologized. He told me he didn’t actually remember saying or doing the things to me that everyone else remembers him doing but he said he honestly knows it sounded like the guy he was back then. He said he was really sorry he acted like that back then and that he is not that person anymore.

Why did we act like that in high school? Why did he say and do those things in high school? He tried to look tough by doing those things. I, in turn, was not going to let myself look weak by letting that kid back then see he hurt me so I was mean too. All it did was spread violence, aggression and both of us trying to look meaner and angrier then we really were. Everyone else’s conversations ended very similarly today. I just can’t help but wonder just how many fights start for no reason like that? How many kids decide to do things they don’t want to do just because they are acting out of hurt feelings and aggression?

Making friends and collecting favors

When I was in high school I had friends in lots of different cliques and social groups. My friend, Bruce and I watched people we knew like our class president and the captain of the cheerleading squad have friends everywhere and how people liked to help them and be there for them because they were/are nice people.

Bruce and I did something similar. When I was getting harassed by one of his idiot friends and I was more than ready to flatten his friend like a pancake he asked me to wait a bit. By the next day, his friend had stopped. Turned out, it helped to have that particular connection. We started to use these connections of people we knew in different social groups to our advantages. If we knew someone was getting picked on we tried to put a stop to it. (If the person bullying was a friend of ours, then it was easy, sometimes we had to go through our friends to get it to stop). This system became very effective and we met a lot of new people that way and collected a lot of favors from people.

After a few years and my working really hard to mellow out my temper, I decided (privately of course) to just forget about most of the favors I was owed. But with the upcoming wedding of two of my closest friends there have been some last minute glitches. I’ve been fighting myself really hard not to go wheeling and dealing quite like I did in high school. Most of the things I am working on now are last minute things that the couple forgot in the state they currently live in or was not able to find yet. For the most part I am offering some payment in return for whatever I am asking for helping me to get or find. It is just really fun to get to use my Corp. Klinger skills again, I missed them. I like using my powers of persuasion to make people happy. I just have to make sure to keep it in check and only get what people really need and to make the deal that is as close to fair for everyone every time as I can get.

From Loyalty to Untrusting

Today I went out with the bride and groom. We went and did a food tasting for the wedding. We also went and had ice cream and played mini golf like we used to. We had a great time. I had voiced my concerns to the groom before but I voiced them again. I’m scared to see our friends. We ended on such bad blood. I am actually afraid to see people I used to spend all my time with. (Honestly, I hate the fact I am afraid of them because I still love them).

He promised me that everyone made the same deal with him that I had made. All axes would be buried for the day. How sad is it that a group of people who used to feel a fierce feeling of loyalty for each other have to do that. There was a time when a simple argument would never have torn us apart like they because outsiders of our group would never have torn us apart like that. I remember when I would have fought tooth and nail for those boys. Heck, I remember some times when I tried, and other times when I grabbed some of those boys out of harm’s way before things got to dangerous.

What happened? What got in the way of that? I want those feelings of love towards them still without the constant need to fight to prove it like I had back then, I wonder if that is possible? For years in that group, no one ever questioned anyone’s loyalty because friendship ruled. When did that go south? How can I translate those feelings of dedication and companionship into the friendships I see in the children’s in my classrooms today and how can I use the loyalties I showed then as a symbol to these children that I can be trusted.