Shaping a Vision

I used to complain that my world was small. I complained about this when my high school sweetheart’s new fiancée started college at the same school I was attending. I complained about this when the boy in college I had a crush on was friends with a guy from his last school that I had a restraining order against. Small words just happen sometimes.

I had a good friend named Nikki growing up. We drifted a bit apart in middle school but we had the same freshman lunch in high school. I remember her introducing me to a cute boy in that lunch who was on her afternoon bus. He became one of my best friends for the next few years.

Nikki died two years ago this month. She was only two days older than me so she would only be 26 years old and her son is three years old now. She died of a drug overdose. I remember Nikki doing drugs for years before that. I was friends with her partner too. He and another friend of ours, shared a locker in high school.

Nikki’s wake was hard because of him. Sure it was hard to see her like that. And her mom and her little brother who was taller than me now that we were “grown up” but it was her partner. He didn’t hug me, he collapsed on me. Suddenly I was holding TJ up. I could hear him crying and through the tears he was trying to tell me how he had tried so hard to help here and keep her clean and away from those people. He told me how much he loved her. I had never had a doubt that he loved her and I still don’t doubt it. He was blaming himself for her actions and that was so sad. He was suffering and just in so much pain. It was obvious that he had cleaned up his act since high school and had been trying to be the best partner and father he could. It felt like he was hanging on to me for an eternity. Her family, TJ and their baby did not deserve this pain.

What went wrong? What happened? Maybe there was nothing TJ could do. Maybe by the time she and TJ found each other it was already too late for her. Maybe in Nikki’s case it was a matter of something needing to reach her at more fundamental of an age. We can’t really be certain. But we can know we can try again with a new generation, right?